My word might just be "LOST"

So yesterday I went to see the movie Eat, Pray, Love at the theater. I have been wanting to see it since it came out but never seemed to find the time.  I read the book about 2 years ago. I saw it in Target and for some reason, it called me. I am not normally a fan of memoirs.  But I liked the book, really liked it.  The Italy part was my favorite. I have always wanted to travel there.

In July, my book club read the book. Lots of the women had different ideas than me about the book. But none of their thoughts really were able to change my opinion. I didn't find the author whiny. I didn't think the book closed up in a neat little package. I mean, it did, but not in a way that seemed fake to me at all. I understood the author.  I mean I don't have a box filled with maps, but I have a notebook.  And I have lots of dreams/ideas in that notebook.

So when watching the movie, there was a part in Italy where everyone was using one word to describe themselves and places they have been. I spent the better part of yesterday attempting to come up with my word. It is hard to come up with one word to define yourself.  I mean of course I could say mommy but I'd like to think I am more than that. And I could say tired since that is certainly true 99.9% of the time. I am sure some would say the word is b*itch. I have tons of b*itchiness in me. Just ask my husband or one of my best friends, or even someone who has gotten on my "crazy" list...it is definitely a describing word. But a defining word. I just don't know. While trying to think about all these words, I have thought of many things I have done and all the things I still want to accomplish. I thought about the goals I have set for myself. And how I am still not sure what I want to be when I grow up. I mean I know what I dream to be but that is a dream. A dream that I have never shared(& probably won't ever). So I think right now, today, my word is lost. 

I think I have lost myself a little bit. I have spent this year trying to get myself back. But I am not sure who exactly I am channelling. It isn't like I can be the 18 year old version of myself. I mean I have kids now. And I definitely don't want to be any younger versions of myself than that.  Now the college version of myself was fun, but way too insecure with boyfriends. And I don't think the hubby could go back to that time. He'd kill me. But I guess when I think about it, I don't really want to go back. I don't want to erase one single thing that has happened. I just wish I didn't get so caught up in the day to day. I wish I didn't feel like I have given up so many dreams. And I wish I wasn't so selfish so I wouldn't think this way.

I started blogging back in 2008. I know you can't see back that far.  Blogging has always been therapeutic for me. So with that said, I didn't advertise this being me. Not that I really do now. But I was extremely real on the blog. And because people I know read it now I found it necessary to censor myself so no ones feelings were hurt. But I realized yesterday, I was losing myself in the blog because of that. So I am back. No more censoring. But I will still keep names anonymous.  My family and friends didn't sign up for this. In fact most of them don't even know I blog. Hey, it is cheaper than therapy...